Show more

oh wow borg-backup wasn't running. should set up alarms any of these days, haha. let's give it a test run and—

oh I see the problem, it's missing a python module?? but why? it was installed via pip, shouldn't have changed by itself. oh well a pip upgrade solved it.

ah and of course I need to do a port redirect also in the new freifunk router.

ah there's one more thing, I forgot to disable host IP check for my dyndns server and ssh is complaining.

oh yes I also need to disable the borg check for change in local repository path, I changed mounts since them. this is annoying.

ok now it will run… what, fail2ban blocking ssh? ah I see, my new network setup is masquerading all source IPs into the router's accidentally, better turn off f2b for now

lmao how many layers of breakage there was between server and working backups

is there a lieferando restaurant you can call and they'll bring you coffee and sweets and make your bed and fill your forms and tell you it's going to be ok

Harold Bloom wrote a Bloom Guide to the Handmaid's Tale 🤢

pao was unreachable for a while, due to changes induced by switching my main notebook.

- changed an IP number and forgot to update firewall
- tried to make some convenience union mounts to simplify accessing the old notebook's backup files, was left with a nonworking line on /etc/fstab .

turns out raspberry confs will make it 1) give up booting if any line can't be mounted (unless you pass nofail), so you need to hook up a screen and keyboard to see what's up, and 2) lock the root account out of recovery boot, so you need to remove the sdcard and fix it elsewhere (no recovery shell to do something as simple as editing /etc/fstab ).

turns out we had all these effective tools to cope with the bad stuff and empower ourselves

and all we had to do was to leave behind the pretence of atheism, respectability and sanity

or as I've taken to call them, our limiters 😆

Show thread

adhd vs. bipolar, suicide (not me, stats) 

had a look at bipolar differential just to be sure and no, I think I'm pure adhd rather than bipolar or both. mania looks a lot like adhd energy tho! no wonder non-differential descriptions of bipolar feel familiar.

one key trait is that adhd is situational, and yeah. if you changed my situation dramatically right now, my mood and thoughts would flip right along. even moderate environmental changes – having someone around vs. not, getting the right message at the right time, working at a cafe vs. home – can shift the whole texture of life instantly.

also suicidality in bipolar is like 1 in 5?? I'm the opposite of suicidal, I want to live 10000 years to do all the stuffs I wanna do.

have to laugh at how "hypersexuality" keeps being pathologised in both lol, men are so jelly. also one bipolar trait I decidedly have, as seen from colonisers:

> 5. Psychosis. Having thoughts that are detached from reality is not a symptom of ADHD, but that is a symptom of a severe depression or mania. Jeff, 36, believed he was Jesus Christ when manic, while Kelly, 14, heard “angels talking.”

... only for me it's the other one 🔥💖

(congratulations on shutting down the voice of angels, assholes)

Show thread

mh±, adhd 

I actually like being hungry. Even if it means I never get good at anything, I enjoy fluttering like a butterfly. Wanting to be alive feels good. I don't even care if the floor goes dirty or w/e. The only problem is fitting it around the adult obligations, it's the downright aversion we build for mandatory tasks.

Show thread

mh±, adhd 

sometimes I feel like I have the opposite of depression. everything is too interesting. is this adhd flaring up? amphetamines? mania? am I misdiagnosed, bipolar rather than adhd? I don't think our history looks like bipolar. most of the time we were just depressed all the time, with random hyperfocus bouts of 2-3 days tops. this love for life, this hunger, this is post-transition.

but I am doing something with my hands, some chore – what I was just doing just now? memory is weird, it just, like, *blanks* – my fingers are cold, I must've been washing something, oh yes sticker glue from the door, then I went looking for new stickers, then I gave up, was gathering pens to bujo – and listening to a scifi audiobook:

one part of my mind is following the voice, running the plot in the simulation module, while at the same time continually delighting in the touches of Anglo-Patois in its Haitian English,

another part is handling the manual task at hand,

a few automatic interrupts keep beeping, "you didn't water the roses", "put bread in the shopping list—now, go, before we forget again",

a planning routine is floating randomly as usual, "if we open up some space on the shelf we could buy food in bulk from Netto which foods are both long-lasting and low-energy?" (starts weighting foods one by one, sputtering, stacatto, context-switching—)

argument emulation module is arguing about Romani imagery in umbanda and how cultural appropriation can be a good thing when it's not appropriation but giving back—

2-3 voices of the permanent trialogue are discussing "the task at hand", the tip of the iceberg that's what I would reply to somebody right now who asked what are you doing: "setting up bujo for the month",

(with one of them insisting, impatient, you can't run away forever, you have to deal with the bad thing.)

this is the *ground*. this is our mind, this writhing, seething mass of tentacles, latching, grabbing at everything, ever talking, my mind, our mind, a bukkake of stichomythía.

and it hungers. my mind is a Cthuluan abomination of mouths and feelers and it hungers, it wants everything. it latches in all directions;

it thinks of our girlfriends, the one who's coming, how to meet the other one who's been some time away now, could bake with that first one what could we try next? tapioca cake? cheesebread? vegan cheesebread uses mandioquinha, do they even have mandioquinha here—
(interrupt: remember to evaluate online grocery shops—)
dang I wanna sit down with Rust—
could one combine the figure 8 of the flogger with the samba backstep swing, I'm going to create the samba flogging lol—
there's that inner child ritual our ex bf gave us, we have the materials now—
I want to weave through a guard and *hit* someone in the *face*, when is boxing back—
I wonder if it's ok to join that Roma dance online class, the real is so cheap rn—
this is some great weather to go out and do nothing with a cutie, we could do it right now on impulse—
I miss Vietnamese food—
I want to take up Icelandic again—
what if we start a garden of useful herbs?—
let's get into, into something, someone I don't know, something new and shiny and sparkly, I want more, more experience, more sensation, fun, body things...

everything is fascinating, everything is beautiful, everything is appetising.

feed me.

except, of course, what I am supposed to be doing. anything we want, we stop wanting it the moment we're told to do it. we... don't take well to being told to do things, none of us.

is this anxiety? is this what anxiety looks like for us? just desperately plugging ourselves into the matrix, the full package with a thousand channels please, loop all of them in shuffle, surprise me, spin the neuronal gears in any direction as long as it isn't the bad thing...

maybe it's time to increase the meds dose already and see if it helps >.>

re: my sophisticated intellectual hot take on Gozilla vs. King Kong 

also I maintain that Alien vs. Predator would actually be a good movie if it had no humans in it, and no words at all except maybe a few glances of Yautja in displays and such

Show thread

my sophisticated intellectual hot take on Gozilla vs. King Kong 

I'm prob going to watch Godzilla vs. King Kong

I hope there's a lot of giant monsters punching one another, and very little time given to human beings talking (ideally 0 but I'm still waiting for a world where movie makers have any kind of bravery). my appreciation of the movie will be a direct function of this ratio of screentime.

uspol, ableism, shocked 

> An American Sign Language interpreter will now appear at all White House press briefings

what the actual heck. you mean they didn't????

tech grumbling, matrix 

why does synapse demands LC_CTYPE=C on the postgresql database

makes a girl feel ~icky~ ugh

if we're being spied on and logged all the time, why is it so hard to find again a post I saw 1 day ago >.>

fbi guy, you there? do you have like, a greppable list of all videos I've seen or s/t? can you send a link to the one where the hot woman is interpreting a song in sign, dominantly? I'll upload some nudes for your troubles

re: linguistics opinionated opinion, sign languages 

Instead of darned Latin and whatnot what I will put in a linguistics course when they finally elect me Linguistics Tsarina For Life:

- No "introduction to sign languages" subject. Instead, all normal subjects (phonetics, syntax etc.) use both voice and sign as examples. What is analogous, what is different?

- A course-long track on the most used sign language of the area.

- A course-long track on the nearest endangered/minority language. The fewer speakers, the more linguists should be learning _that_ rather than the Big 5 etc. Ideally a non-IE language, but if there's an endangered IE language/dialect nearby, the human interest trumps the scientific interest.

- Substitute "non-indo-european language I" by like two or three semesters on typology. Treat IE languages as no more no less than all other families in it. Creole languages should be studied as a category (and the problems with that) at some point, either inside the typology track or as distinct subjects.

- Writing systems as an optional subject is something I actually had and found tremendously enlightening. Beware Western prejudices on complex writing systems tho, these are still rampant in textbooks. Search non-Western authors in their own languages on the topic (collaborate with other depts for wider linguistic reach, don't live in the Anglosphere all the time).

Show thread

linguistics opinionated opinion, sign languages 

Since we’re bashing linguistics today:

The more I learn about linguistics the more baffled I become that "at least one sign language" isn't a mandatory subject for all linguists from, like, undergrad year 1, and all skill paths like phon/phon, morphology, prag etc. aren't studied from the start using both sign and voice as first-class objects of study for contrast and comparison.

I mean I maintain that
widespread acquisition of sign languages by children of the general population – the way Australian Aboriginal and other peoples did it – would have a ton of advantages not just for inclusion, which would already be worthy the effort ofc, but for everybody else too; but, come on, us linguists? There's 2 fundamental types of human language and we base all our models and conclusions on 1?

It's as if you're training chemists and on first semester somebody briefly flashes them a periodic table for a minute and says "yeah so there are 3 types of elements, metals, metalloids and nonmetals. From now on we're going to focus on metals." And most of them, for their whole career, never think about silicon or sulphur again. They try to learn everything about bonding and reactions and molecule structure etc. using metals as the sole subject 99% of the time. Sometimes somebody who took the 8th-semester optional subject "General Introduction to the Most Common Nonmetal In This Area I" (where they do a crash run over reactions, molecules etc. now with 1 single nonmetal added into the mix) will point out "oh, actually hydrogen does not behave like that", then everybody else gets annoyed at this arrogant interrupty person who keeps bringing these weird nonmetal complications into the stuff they're already finding it hard to follow with metals only.

Putting my effort where my mouth is and my hand will soon be: anybody wants to learn Deutsche Gebärdensprache with me please send a note, I'm serious o/ maybe we could start with fingerspelling over jitsi or s/t :)

continued immigrant feelings 

countries are crap.

cultures are not crap, but identitarian attachment to culture of origin is kind of a two-edged blade imo. I don’t think it’s Problematic by itself, but it easily devolves into nationalism-type feelings. I don’t have any theories or arguments here, just ambiguous feelings.

it’s pretty clear in retrospect that my self-affirmation as Brazilian, and moreover as Latina, has ramped up a lot in the past semester or so. I remember when I got the "Proud Latina" sticker for my notebook, silly little thing but I felt v self-conscious about it. all the trans pride and anarchist propaganda was right at home, but affirming my culture of origin? me, who never fit in there, in so many ways temperamentally incompatible with the tropics? it’s just a sticker, it’s just a keyword in my profile description, but that’s the kind of thing that identities are built from I guess.

I think a lot of immigrants in general share this boomerang trajectory, of first disavowing everything related to your first home, then slowly feeling an attachment to it grow back. I think we share a trait with all sorts of in-betweens, or rather bi-betweens, like biracial people, or translation/cultural studies people, where you simultaneously feel like you belong to place $1 and place $2 both, *and* to neither.

(Emmerich: 'There is no communication happening. Indeed, there is no transferal of a message from one language into another, because from the perspective of the translator at the precise moment she is translating, she is not between languages, and her languages are not separate. We might say, rather, that she is saturated with two languages--that she is a node for two languages. Both languages are living inside her, in the same place, at the same time, in constantly shifting concentrations and configurations. She is not a bridge; she is something like a ghost.')

but I think identity traits can crystalise defensively. I remember when I was still insecure about really being a woman, being exposed to terfs attacking that made me feel like "_fuck_ you I'm a woman and you're wrong".

in the same way, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’m attracted to doing little Brazilian superstitions or taking up a Latina name etc. just as my immigration status is most at risk. fellow ascending-working-class ppl will know what I mean when I mention the feeling of things not being _for_ you even if you can now afford them, of doing something wrong or dangerous if you claim them, like it could all be taken away from you if you step overboard. the immigration equivalent is the feeling of constant evaluation, of being judged not just as an individual who is good or bad, but as a category/identity who deserves or not residence. "I'm too queer so they'll kick me out" "I'm too disabled so they'll kick me out" "I'm too loud/dirty/late/bad at German so they'll kick me out".

eventually you start feeling like the traits that mark your cultural origin are seen as flaws. that makes one’s feelings push back and want to reassert the previously disavowed identity.

one does not want to become (an imaginary average of) German to be allowed to immigrate. one wants to be oneself, and be allowed to immigrate. but the parts where one’'s behaviour match the (imaginary average of) German are never brought into question (even where maybe they should). it’s only on the foreign traits that one feel judged. and this is how I find myself storing pomegranate seeds for the new year's etc.

72 days of visa left.

vegan asks, :boost_ok:​ 


- CW animal products, including milk/honey/leather/wool/etc., including text

- no big deal but please avoid calling veganism a diet

- arguments about ecology are missing the point (also I didn’t invite arguments in the first place)

Those are the asks. I’ll just speak bluntly for the rest of this toot; please avoid reading it if the strident tone is not good for you.


CW is the big one. CW your food posts for food, for the sake of people with eating issues and the like. But also mark them as nonvegan, meat, milk or however you prefer to word it. CW text-only posts talking about those things.

including milk, please. especially milk, please. there’s a reason for the vegan saying ‘dairy is the cruelest of all’. being reminded of what’s being done to dairy cows and their babies as we speak can ruin my mood for the rest of the day. on a vulnerable day it can, and has, more than once, reduced me to a blubbering crying mess. just tag it.

(fellow vegans: it is useful to CW food posts as "vegan" because so many people fail to mark animal abuse that I usually avoid clicking "food" toots, unless I know the person to be vegan.)

please also CW selfies or photos with things made of animal bodies, or things taken from animals, like animal leather, wool, horn, honey, beeswax etc. and CW animals in conditions of exploitation, like farm animals.

I’m not triggered by those things. It’s not abuse done to _me_ after all, I hold the speciesist privilege like all of us. I’m not disgusted or squeamish either, that’s not how any of this works. When I look at a photo with an animal product, I’m not looking at a piece of animal tissue and going ‘ew, gooey’. I’m looking at a nightmare machine of entirely unnecessary exploitation and pain, at a powerful ideological system wrapped around it to normalise it. I’m thinking of what was done to a living, feeling, sensitive being to produce that thing, and then trying to multiply it in my head times 990 million cows or 23 billion chickens etc. I can't help myself from doing the algebra of integer times pain. I’m thinking of what happens to human workers in the animal industry. I can’t turn it _off_, once I learned to see processes I can’t unsee them. I’m looking at my own impotence to make this absurd situation just stop, stop, at my own guilt to just carry on with life as if this inconceivable maelstrom of gratuitous suffering didn’t matter.

So it’s a little bit depressing.


The other ones are just terminological quibbles and not super important or anything, I understand why people say that and I take it in stride, they just reflect common misconceptions.

• Not "vegan diet". It's not a diet. Plant-based is a diet. Veganism is an ethical position, holding that all beings capable of suffering are moral subjects. It’s no more a diet than ‘Kantian consequentialism’ or ‘Vedic nītiśāstra’. Reducing it to diet is already taken for granted the objectification of other animals which is just the point in question.

- Not "dietary restriction" either. If I don’t rob candy from a child I’m not restricting my diet, I’m trying to be a good person. Not eating honey robbed from bees is literally, exactly, exactly, the same.

- Not "you can/can’t eat this?" It’s not that I can’t eat a thing, it’s that I don’t want to.

- Not "but isn’t X is worse for global warming" (soy farming, palmtree industry etc.).

As it happens, the animal industry is terrible for the environment, and eating plants is a much more efficient use of resources (necessarily, because of trophic loss). If you think this or that form of animal exploitation is better for the environment chances are it’s capitalist propaganda and will turn out to be wrong upon examination. Even if we are thinking purely of saving humanity from the looming catastrophe, stopping animal exploitation is about the best measure we can make.

But this is just a happy coincidence. Even if it was the other way around and killing other animals could save millions, it would be still wrong. The self-interest of humans, however aligned to it, is not the reason why it’s wrong. (In this hypothetical scenario, if we _had_ to choose, then I wouldn’t blame people for choosing self-preservation. But then the task would be to find out ways to get the necessary resources without all the killing. In our reality, that step is already given, all we needed was to figure out B12 production and that's long been solved.)

I don’t argue vegan stuff and I don’t ask for arguments, but leaving that aside, to bring me ecological (or, even worse, nutritional) arguments is to miss the point.

> Stannis: I know the cost! […] If Joffrey should die... what is the life of one bastard boy against a kingdom?
> Davos: Everything.

(A Song of Ice and Fire)

swerfs, OnlyFans, mh-, ranting to the void 

I have this pattern of reading news sites when I'm mh-. Old gf diagnosed this as selfharm years ago, therapists agree she was right, I agree she was right, still find myself doing it.

Take this panic piece about young Latin American girls ‘coming closer to’ prostitution via OnlyFans.

The article beats on the same two emotional notes repeatedly:

1. That the girls are young girls who are girls and young. (Whatever problems OnlyFans may have do not matter for other genders and ages, we must think of the girls. Only.)
2. Is this prostitution?

For point 1, many cherries are picked of girls who wanted to do something else, but the something else wasn't open to them, so they were forced to resort to prostitution. A perfectly reasonable point that, as usual in swerfy discussion, completely fails to address the actual problem, viz. the forcing, obligation to have a job in a post-scarcity world, and instead blame the one job they found to be less terrible. ‘It only brings five dollars, but five dollars is a lot of money there’. They acknowledge the injustice of colonialism, yet they want to remove the source of dollars (if you can earn in dollars in my country your income has increased 50% in 1 year without you doing anything, do you have any idea how lucky we consider those of us who can get their hands on dollars??) instead of abolishing borders.

Yes selling your body for food – not just food, nice clothes, iPhones, whatever dignity one can buy in this broken world – is humiliating and traumatising. Know what’s the standard job for poor, young Latinas? Maid. House slave, look it up, watch ‘The Second Mother’ (2015) great film, 100% how it is. Where I come from everybody with a stable job has a maid washing their bathroom for peanuts, and the daughter of the maid who’s learning to be a maid comes extra cheap. Do you think it’s naïvete that many girls would, taken the choice, prefer selling masturbation clips to gringos to servitude? To a boss on a power trip shouting on their ears as they serve tables? Selling your body for basic necessities is humiliating. That’s not a description of prostitution, that’s a description of capitalism. Sex work goes best when you have a young healthy body, no career prospects and the older you get the harder it is, including finding work in the first place. Unlike being cleaning staff to American fast-food companies?

And then they get sexually abused anyway, because the daughter of the maid, really? Who will stand for poor Latinas? Selling pictures online is risky, many men will try to track you, but it’s about the least risky job I can think of in their condition. This is awful, but the solution is to remove this choice? See how well FOSTA-SESTA went, and that’s in the rich country, that’s in a patriarchy not tinged in our ruthless flavour of everyday violence.

Then there’s the youth thing. Gosh does ageism rile me up. Much of the article is about how the girls came to OnlyFans cause they were ‘talked into’ by their friends, unlike us rational middle-age adults who never jump into a job we hate because it was the last bad option and our personal contacts told us their experiences with it. Young people can’t be trusted to make life decisions, we have pressure them, coax them, ideally remove the options altogether; or they will destroy themselves, this is the gateway into live prostitution, the marijuana of whoring. Surely no young woman would be smart enough to know what she’s getting into, to understand the risks of meeting men IRL behind closed doors, right? Which young Latina has ever experienced what men in patriarchy do.

Which connects to the question interwoven throughout the article, as if it were a profound dilemma: Does this count as prostitution? Never stated out loud but between every line: Is your daughter an online whore? The meaningless of this purely linguistic question, the sterility of terminology, does not ever occur to the writer, because obviously being a whore is very bad because ew. Better invest in that apron instead, these days the trappings of servitude are coming back into fashion among insecure middle-class madames.

How to help those girls? Instead of blaming OnlyFans for the scary p-word, can we blame them for stealing surplus value, like all capitalists do? All OF offers is webhosting and a business face. Provide the girls with distributed, collaborative hosting? Most of OnlyFans profits are from the top 1% creators, what if the cut doesn’t apply uniformly to all girls and end up as yacht money for the owner class, but instead is a progressive cut that feeds back into business costs plus higher paybacks for small creators, in a cöoperative system? ‘It’s hard to setup online cooperatives legally’ – then change *those* laws, instead of trying to ban online sex work and thereby drive online sex workers into worse options, including street-based sex work?

Why do I even read these things >.>

Show more

Elilla’s personal server.