dating, co-living, breakup, prefiguration, gayness 

I knew of course that structuring Anarchist Catgirl Commune in terms purely of romantic relationships would be a mistake. Romantic relationships have Feelings in them, and sometimes when Feelings break people need space. if your goal is to create a safe shelter community for trans people who can't otherwise find shelter or community, that creates one heck of a power differential if they don't want to be around you after a breakup.

I guess this is another reason the breakup hit so hard. I was just thinking of the conflict issue as, dunno, something to solve at some point, like the architecture issue, the "systemic failure of capitalism that was inevitable all along but we are all pretending isn't happening right now" issue. small implementation details.

or maybe I was just overconfident in my ability to be a safe haven. I am, as I often say, Not Young, and also Yes Promiscuous. so I've been through any number of breakups. all of them were difficult, some of them were conflict-heavy.

but I am at friendly speaking terms at least with all my exes, am still an intimate emotional support friend of all my post-transition exes. well not "all" anymore I guess 🤷‍♀️

the thing with the recent breakup is, we were such a perfect match on everything _else_, it's so frustrating. she was the first person I met who felt the same way I did about aiming at a new S.T.A.R. house. we were discussing moving together. we were discussing concrete plans for communal living. it's still hard for me to believe it's all over.

with me disillusioned over a career, disillusioned over Japan, disillusioned over academia, disillusioned over the 9-year-long relationship that didn't work out. it's hard not to feel like, am I just unlivable with. what am I even living for anymore, ok the kids, but the kids won't be kids forever, heck they're teens already somehow. am I only ever tolerable in small doses. I'm almost 40, will I have to submit to the nuclear family model for life. I've hated every single day of the nuclear family model, from a child up to this instant. these cursed little jails of brick and glass, locking us with one another. or even worse, will I have to just be alone. I,, do not do well alone. all high-minded ideals of a S.T.A.R. house aside. if I have nobody to take care of, my levels of dysfunction just explode.

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re: dating, co-living, breakup, prefiguration, gayness 

I don't know how to solve the conflict issue (or the architecture issue, or the landlords issue, or the "if a teen girl runs from her abusive family and we give her a friendly place to crash, I'll be accused of kidnapping and transing her" issue. or, you know, the "world is literally burning" issue). it seems to me that under capitalism there is just too much friction in moving. ideally you would want it to be easy, fluid, convenient to move together, and easy to unmove together. it is particularly hard in Germany, but it's hard in all capitalist societies. the only way I can see out of that is a much deeper prefiguration of property abolition, of ownership under usufruct. whole libraries of stuff that are never yours, always the community's, but you can otherwise hold onto as much as you want (para todos todo, para nosotros nada. will get that tattoo yet.) clothes, why not? computer monitors, why not? heavy stuff stay in the house, whatever house you move into is already fully furnished. we all own nothing, we all own everything, we consume less and take care of things more. we take care of one another. most people are not attracted to ideas like this, though.

anyway easy to dream but irl here am I in my big apartment, alone with my headache, owning as sole proprietess all this cruft I couldn't care less about, the one girlfriend who wanted to move in with me, gone. the one girl I ever been with who was not just tolerant, but downright enthusiastic, about having a house with me with doors wide open, dates and friends coming in and out all the time. all the things that normally people tell me "I understand your enthusiasm but that's not for me."

still. perhaps I'm looking at this whole thing wrong. I'm too lesbian, I want all the U-haul trucks parking here on second date. people have stuff to deal with, have their own life plans to work on. but I spent the last weekend with 2 people I love doing perverted gay stuff like cuddling all night, or walking in the part to see the litle duckieses babbyes. I had my darling catgirl around for a couple days, possum enby is coming tomorrow, then I get the sweetest demiboy you can imagine for a whooping 6 days, then the snep sweetheart for, what, 9 in a row?? and she'll bring a new girl along, too. it's easy to get used to it, but wow, what even is this life. it's easy to forget how magical. sometimes I think of getting back into couchsurfing, then I realise I don't need to.

and the stays overlap a bit, which means they'll get to know one another. which means my apartment is one step closer to public space.

perhaps this is the prefiguration I can handle for now. if I get any of those jobs I can afford even this big apartment alone. probably. and then I make it more and more guest-friendly, and I just invite people to use it for stays of a length comfortable for them, as many people as I can find.

if vaccination does calm down this one crisis at least, I bet there will be a good number of friends wanting to travel to Germany and in need of a safe house to stay.

"Nosotros nacimos de la noche. En ella vivimos. Moriremos en ella. Pero la luz será mañana para los más, para todos aquellos que hoy lloran la noche, para quienes se niega el día, para quienes es regalo la muerte, para quienes está prohibida la vida. Para todos la luz. Para todos todo.""

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