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clumsiness vs. self-harm 

sometimes I wonder if I hurt myself so much and so often out of some subconscious impulse to self-harm. just tried to open the sofa-bed and somehow dropped it on my foot upon opening, hurting it bad. then I realised I don’t even need the sofa-bed, there’s not enough people left in the house to need 2 beds. then I spilled half the gin.

(and I did the libation, wasn’t even them charging it or anything).

I’m not aware of any desire to destroy or punish myself. on the contrary, I want to live forever, even on the hardest moments, if but out of spite. I *am* aware of the desire to destroy or punish whatever else. maybe that gets twisted by the subsconscious if I don’t have an outlet, and result in things like opening the sofa on your toes and breaking all the gifts you treasure.

I am Daenerys of house Targaryen, part of me just wants to burn everything, all the time. I’m aware of it. That, or it’s just poor motor coordination, comes with the condition they say.

The other day by chance I saw a stand-up boxing bag. Took all I had to resist the temptation of hardening my shins then and there. I was not aware that these exist; I thought putting up a standard punching bag on this ceiling would be inviting trouble, what’s with poor construction and evil landlord and all. But I think I could benefit a lot of something that I could just vent on freely, teenage-like, and it would take it all without damage done. I wonder how stand-up punching bags compare to heavy bags, if you can use them for power not speed or coördination. In the absense of sparring for the foreseeable future, perhaps if I did this I would magically stop cutting, burning, cracking, breaking etc. myself and surrounding objects. Or it won’t make a difference because it’s just clumsiness and not a mysterious subconscious impulse, but at least I’d get to punch something.

standing bags for boxing 

ok these seem to be good enough for a casual like me. they can be filled with water, which would make them lighter but would be a good makeshift to not having to carry a ton of sand upstairs.

I’m worried if the noise transmits through the floor and bothers the neighbours, but then I realised I could put one in the attic if I open up some space there. the attic is above my own apartment, and it’s even moody because it got those UFC-style cages partitioning the space. currently my space is full of stuff but I could either leave the thing in the corridor, don’t thing anybody would mind, or move my own tralha around; basement is still mostly empty.

at a bit over 100€ for entry-level models these are not for comfort spending during unemployment, but after I get a job… hmm…...

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