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friendship ended with girl gender

tired hairy legs middle-aged lesbian* enveloped in clouds of smoke** is new best gender

* not actually lesbian
** not actually smoke

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vegan asks, :boost_ok:​ 

TL;DR:

- CW animal products, including milk/honey/leather/wool/etc., including text

- no big deal but please avoid calling veganism a diet

- arguments about ecology are missing the point (also I didn’t invite arguments in the first place)

Those are the asks. I’ll just speak bluntly for the rest of this toot; please avoid reading it if the strident tone is not good for you.

---

CW is the big one. CW your food posts for food, for the sake of people with eating issues and the like. But also mark them as nonvegan, meat, milk or however you prefer to word it. CW text-only posts talking about those things.

including milk, please. especially milk, please. there’s a reason for the vegan saying ‘dairy is the cruelest of all’. being reminded of what’s being done to dairy cows and their babies as we speak can ruin my mood for the rest of the day. on a vulnerable day it can, and has, more than once, reduced me to a blubbering crying mess. just tag it.

(fellow vegans: it is useful to CW food posts as "vegan" because so many people fail to mark animal abuse that I usually avoid clicking "food" toots, unless I know the person to be vegan.)

please also CW selfies or photos with things made of animal bodies, or things taken from animals, like animal leather, wool, horn, honey, beeswax etc. and CW animals in conditions of exploitation, like farm animals.

I’m not triggered by those things. It’s not abuse done to _me_ after all, I hold the speciesist privilege like all of us. I’m not disgusted or squeamish either, that’s not how any of this works. When I look at a photo with an animal product, I’m not looking at a piece of animal tissue and going ‘ew, gooey’. I’m looking at a nightmare machine of entirely unnecessary exploitation and pain, at a powerful ideological system wrapped around it to normalise it. I’m thinking of what was done to a living, feeling, sensitive being to produce that thing, and then trying to multiply it in my head times 990 million cows or 23 billion chickens etc. I can't help myself from doing the algebra of integer times pain. I’m thinking of what happens to human workers in the animal industry. I can’t turn it _off_, once I learned to see processes I can’t unsee them. I’m looking at my own impotence to make this absurd situation just stop, stop, at my own guilt to just carry on with life as if this inconceivable maelstrom of gratuitous suffering didn’t matter.

So it’s a little bit depressing.

---

The other ones are just terminological quibbles and not super important or anything, I understand why people say that and I take it in stride, they just reflect common misconceptions.

• Not "vegan diet". It's not a diet. Plant-based is a diet. Veganism is an ethical position, holding that all beings capable of suffering are moral subjects. It’s no more a diet than ‘Kantian consequentialism’ or ‘Vedic nītiśāstra’. Reducing it to diet is already taken for granted the objectification of other animals which is just the point in question.

- Not "dietary restriction" either. If I don’t rob candy from a child I’m not restricting my diet, I’m trying to be a good person. Not eating honey robbed from bees is literally, exactly, exactly, the same.

- Not "you can/can’t eat this?" It’s not that I can’t eat a thing, it’s that I don’t want to.

- Not "but isn’t X is worse for global warming" (soy farming, palmtree industry etc.).

As it happens, the animal industry is terrible for the environment, and eating plants is a much more efficient use of resources (necessarily, because of trophic loss). If you think this or that form of animal exploitation is better for the environment chances are it’s capitalist propaganda and will turn out to be wrong upon examination. Even if we are thinking purely of saving humanity from the looming catastrophe, stopping animal exploitation is about the best measure we can make.

But this is just a happy coincidence. Even if it was the other way around and killing other animals could save millions, it would be still wrong. The self-interest of humans, however aligned to it, is not the reason why it’s wrong. (In this hypothetical scenario, if we _had_ to choose, then I wouldn’t blame people for choosing self-preservation. But then the task would be to find out ways to get the necessary resources without all the killing. In our reality, that step is already given, all we needed was to figure out B12 production and that's long been solved.)

I don’t argue vegan stuff and I don’t ask for arguments, but leaving that aside, to bring me ecological (or, even worse, nutritional) arguments is to miss the point.

> Stannis: I know the cost! […] If Joffrey should die... what is the life of one bastard boy against a kingdom?
> Davos: Everything.

(A Song of Ice and Fire)

me: I want to _program_ my devices! the ditoo is so cool but it doesn't do what I want, I want to tailor my toys to my needs

Android: you can program me! I have Kotlin and Java on my Android Studio

me: no not like that

Pipewire, yay new audio thingie! There were too many audio thingies in the Linux stack so we needed a new one that covers everyone's use cases. With this brand new addition to that Linux audio graph meme, audio will surely now just work, and I'll be able to listen to music on Linux!!

(need manual masking of pulseaudio user systemd services)
(still stuck with pavucontrol, the only jack-type visualiser didn't work with my gtk)
(needed to dig up obscure error logs and search online to find out which obscure library needed to be installed for bluetooth)
(bluetooth disconnects periodically on my card)
(search online, problem has been around for a long time, no workarounds)

(look up from paper bag and into the camera) I don't know what I expected

the other day I asked the internet whether an anime linux girl sticker would be considered too juvenile or silly by the average German corporate boss.

instead I got a lot of replies from people not in Germany that in their own (not their bosses') opinion a stylised, abstract female body in a retro striped bikini is too sexualised.

I'm still struggling hard not to rant abt how I feel about the notions of female shapes as inherently sexualised, of sexualisation as a bad thing in the first place, of the kinds of social spaces where sexuality is and isn't allowed to be acknowledged and the interests this serves, and of self-policing. because this is the kind of thing I really don't want to argue about. but I'm still bitter.

re: dating, co-living, breakup, prefiguration, gayness 

I don't know how to solve the conflict issue (or the architecture issue, or the landlords issue, or the "if a teen girl runs from her abusive family and we give her a friendly place to crash, I'll be accused of kidnapping and transing her" issue. or, you know, the "world is literally burning" issue). it seems to me that under capitalism there is just too much friction in moving. ideally you would want it to be easy, fluid, convenient to move together, and easy to unmove together. it is particularly hard in Germany, but it's hard in all capitalist societies. the only way I can see out of that is a much deeper prefiguration of property abolition, of ownership under usufruct. whole libraries of stuff that are never yours, always the community's, but you can otherwise hold onto as much as you want (para todos todo, para nosotros nada. will get that tattoo yet.) clothes, why not? computer monitors, why not? heavy stuff stay in the house, whatever house you move into is already fully furnished. we all own nothing, we all own everything, we consume less and take care of things more. we take care of one another. most people are not attracted to ideas like this, though.

anyway easy to dream but irl here am I in my big apartment, alone with my headache, owning as sole proprietess all this cruft I couldn't care less about, the one girlfriend who wanted to move in with me, gone. the one girl I ever been with who was not just tolerant, but downright enthusiastic, about having a house with me with doors wide open, dates and friends coming in and out all the time. all the things that normally people tell me "I understand your enthusiasm but that's not for me."

still. perhaps I'm looking at this whole thing wrong. I'm too lesbian, I want all the U-haul trucks parking here on second date. people have stuff to deal with, have their own life plans to work on. but I spent the last weekend with 2 people I love doing perverted gay stuff like cuddling all night, or walking in the part to see the litle duckieses babbyes. I had my darling catgirl around for a couple days, possum enby is coming tomorrow, then I get the sweetest demiboy you can imagine for a whooping 6 days, then the snep sweetheart for, what, 9 in a row?? and she'll bring a new girl along, too. it's easy to get used to it, but wow, what even is this life. it's easy to forget how magical. sometimes I think of getting back into couchsurfing, then I realise I don't need to.

and the stays overlap a bit, which means they'll get to know one another. which means my apartment is one step closer to public space.

perhaps this is the prefiguration I can handle for now. if I get any of those jobs I can afford even this big apartment alone. probably. and then I make it more and more guest-friendly, and I just invite people to use it for stays of a length comfortable for them, as many people as I can find.

if vaccination does calm down this one crisis at least, I bet there will be a good number of friends wanting to travel to Germany and in need of a safe house to stay.

"Nosotros nacimos de la noche. En ella vivimos. Moriremos en ella. Pero la luz será mañana para los más, para todos aquellos que hoy lloran la noche, para quienes se niega el día, para quienes es regalo la muerte, para quienes está prohibida la vida. Para todos la luz. Para todos todo.""

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dating, co-living, breakup, prefiguration, gayness 

I knew of course that structuring Anarchist Catgirl Commune in terms purely of romantic relationships would be a mistake. Romantic relationships have Feelings in them, and sometimes when Feelings break people need space. if your goal is to create a safe shelter community for trans people who can't otherwise find shelter or community, that creates one heck of a power differential if they don't want to be around you after a breakup.

I guess this is another reason the breakup hit so hard. I was just thinking of the conflict issue as, dunno, something to solve at some point, like the architecture issue, the "systemic failure of capitalism that was inevitable all along but we are all pretending isn't happening right now" issue. small implementation details.

or maybe I was just overconfident in my ability to be a safe haven. I am, as I often say, Not Young, and also Yes Promiscuous. so I've been through any number of breakups. all of them were difficult, some of them were conflict-heavy.

but I am at friendly speaking terms at least with all my exes, am still an intimate emotional support friend of all my post-transition exes. well not "all" anymore I guess 🤷‍♀️

the thing with the recent breakup is, we were such a perfect match on everything _else_, it's so frustrating. she was the first person I met who felt the same way I did about aiming at a new S.T.A.R. house. we were discussing moving together. we were discussing concrete plans for communal living. it's still hard for me to believe it's all over.

with me disillusioned over a career, disillusioned over Japan, disillusioned over academia, disillusioned over the 9-year-long relationship that didn't work out. it's hard not to feel like, am I just unlivable with. what am I even living for anymore, ok the kids, but the kids won't be kids forever, heck they're teens already somehow. am I only ever tolerable in small doses. I'm almost 40, will I have to submit to the nuclear family model for life. I've hated every single day of the nuclear family model, from a child up to this instant. these cursed little jails of brick and glass, locking us with one another. or even worse, will I have to just be alone. I,, do not do well alone. all high-minded ideals of a S.T.A.R. house aside. if I have nobody to take care of, my levels of dysfunction just explode.

re: I miss my girlfriend so much 

…aaand just like that, a memory. from 15 years ago. 16, give or take. the girl who taught me polyamory, the girl who got me into literature, humanities. the girl I wanted to slowly turn into.

me feeling like this about her. we would send one another CD compilations, retro mixtapes, I think it was already retro back then. she recorded me a CDR with video messages once. I completely forgot about that, the memory just came back unrequested.

a song I had sent her, I had forgotten the song, I had forgotten the whole artist.
youtube.com/watch?v=js-neDhzFy

maybe just because I can't remember a thing, doesn't mean it's gone forever. maybe it will return someday, out of own accord. maybe it is not death in life.

or if it is, then what is dead may never die.

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oh wow, pretty proud of this. give me validation and tell me I'm fantastic—wait no I don’t need it, I already know.

brb getting a job, a shock absorber, pop filter? does that make it better or worse for asmr?, learning how to produce it properly.

listen with headphones. stereo mic so that the seawitch whisper into your ears :)

files.transmom.love/video/cthu

lol was doing a mic test of whisper and just induced asmr on self

I mean literal asmr, like, the shiver on spine thingie. not even what I want to do when I say I want to do "asmr", I mean it in the fantasy comfort sense. but I'm taking this as a success <3

counseling somebody to break up if their partner keeps not fulfilling their needs. unsure whether they're actually bad for them or it's the black bile in me trying to spread itself.

I mean they have been talking for months of this one core need being ignored no matter what they do, and I'm trying to be very explicit and direct about the fact I'm speaking from an awful place and probably overly pessimistic etc. but still I worry about doing harm rather than good counsel

friendship ended with girl gender

tired hairy legs middle-aged lesbian* enveloped in clouds of smoke** is new best gender

* not actually lesbian
** not actually smoke

our protagonist is secretly high on girlchunks during this scene, hiding it from her minimum age radioactive waste collector job, her panties still secretly sparkling

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the poet is a faker.
she fakes it all so much
that she even pretends it's pain
the pain she indeed feels.

Fernando Pessoa, about me streaming Porpentine.

cw: job search, heavy themes, fictional drug abuse, me vaping industrial strawberry chemical flavour as if it was some drug

My children are in a very vulnerable and precarious situation right now, both of them, for material as well as emotional reasons.

I have to be strong, if not for me, for them. Strength doesn't mean self-reliance, it means leveraging all the help I can. And job. And learning React. One weekend.

> I have just written the word "infinite"

> have not included that adjective out of mere rhetorical habit

> I hereby state that it is not illogical to think that the world is infinite. Those who believe it to have limits hypothesize that in some remote place or places the corridors and staircases and hexa­gons may, inconceivably, end—which is absurd.
>And yet those who picture the world as unlimited forget that the number of possible books is *not* .
> I will be bold enough to suggest this solution to the ancient problem:

> The Li­brary is
> unlimited
> but periodic.

> If an eternal traveler should journey in any direction, they would find after untold centuries that the same volumes are repeated in the same disorder—which, thus repeated, becomes order:
> the Order.
> My solitude is cheered by that elegant hope.

emotional flashbacks of past depressive periods, the weight of absolute solitude in são paulo streets, the scents the shouts the taste of permafear hormones in your blood. glue-sniffing little boys approaching you for your cellphone, trying to sound threatening. "just kidding, mister, i’m just kidding" when something evil in you stares back. buying a pastel for a street kid, having a dozen more pop up, having to say no twelve times for every yes. saying no to the longing gazes of gay men. living signs everywhere, a thousand eateries all alike, fruits hanging everywhere and bready fluffy pizza and alcoholic men. stopping at places for comfort more than food. living with twelve million people, in absolute solitude. being called "boss" and "champion" and "German". reading Burroughs it’s hard to explain, I’m trying to pinpoint that very particular mood or feeling I had on those streets, but I’m not Woolf I’m not Sartre or Beauvoir, I can’t find the words that evoke its hues. so many days in São Paulo, all bad. the common but distant humanity of the buses, stuck in traffic forever. you’re never stuck in traffic you are being traffic, the city all around you like the entrails of incognizability.

House of the Dragon 

Rational brain: It's going to suck. They'll break it apart. They'll break your heart too. Don't forget last time.

Fangirlbrain:

re: relationship-, memories 

with computers you are little Kai, putting together ice-puzzles in the Mirror of Reason under the ægis of the Snow Queen.

with literature it feels like your most subtle feelings, things you weren’t even aware existed, are multiplied in infinite resonances. you escape into literature by becoming multitudes, it’s language for the heart. I am craving this language, because I don’t want to forget my heart.

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Elilla’s personal server.