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friendship ended with girl gender

tired hairy legs middle-aged lesbian* enveloped in clouds of smoke** is new best gender

* not actually lesbian
** not actually smoke

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vegan asks, :boost_ok:​ 

TL;DR:

- CW animal products, including milk/honey/leather/wool/etc., including text

- no big deal but please avoid calling veganism a diet

- arguments about ecology are missing the point (also I didn’t invite arguments in the first place)

Those are the asks. I’ll just speak bluntly for the rest of this toot; please avoid reading it if the strident tone is not good for you.

---

CW is the big one. CW your food posts for food, for the sake of people with eating issues and the like. But also mark them as nonvegan, meat, milk or however you prefer to word it. CW text-only posts talking about those things.

including milk, please. especially milk, please. there’s a reason for the vegan saying ‘dairy is the cruelest of all’. being reminded of what’s being done to dairy cows and their babies as we speak can ruin my mood for the rest of the day. on a vulnerable day it can, and has, more than once, reduced me to a blubbering crying mess. just tag it.

(fellow vegans: it is useful to CW food posts as "vegan" because so many people fail to mark animal abuse that I usually avoid clicking "food" toots, unless I know the person to be vegan.)

please also CW selfies or photos with things made of animal bodies, or things taken from animals, like animal leather, wool, horn, honey, beeswax etc. and CW animals in conditions of exploitation, like farm animals.

I’m not triggered by those things. It’s not abuse done to _me_ after all, I hold the speciesist privilege like all of us. I’m not disgusted or squeamish either, that’s not how any of this works. When I look at a photo with an animal product, I’m not looking at a piece of animal tissue and going ‘ew, gooey’. I’m looking at a nightmare machine of entirely unnecessary exploitation and pain, at a powerful ideological system wrapped around it to normalise it. I’m thinking of what was done to a living, feeling, sensitive being to produce that thing, and then trying to multiply it in my head times 990 million cows or 23 billion chickens etc. I can't help myself from doing the algebra of integer times pain. I’m thinking of what happens to human workers in the animal industry. I can’t turn it _off_, once I learned to see processes I can’t unsee them. I’m looking at my own impotence to make this absurd situation just stop, stop, at my own guilt to just carry on with life as if this inconceivable maelstrom of gratuitous suffering didn’t matter.

So it’s a little bit depressing.

---

The other ones are just terminological quibbles and not super important or anything, I understand why people say that and I take it in stride, they just reflect common misconceptions.

• Not "vegan diet". It's not a diet. Plant-based is a diet. Veganism is an ethical position, holding that all beings capable of suffering are moral subjects. It’s no more a diet than ‘Kantian consequentialism’ or ‘Vedic nītiśāstra’. Reducing it to diet is already taken for granted the objectification of other animals which is just the point in question.

- Not "dietary restriction" either. If I don’t rob candy from a child I’m not restricting my diet, I’m trying to be a good person. Not eating honey robbed from bees is literally, exactly, exactly, the same.

- Not "you can/can’t eat this?" It’s not that I can’t eat a thing, it’s that I don’t want to.

- Not "but isn’t X is worse for global warming" (soy farming, palmtree industry etc.).

As it happens, the animal industry is terrible for the environment, and eating plants is a much more efficient use of resources (necessarily, because of trophic loss). If you think this or that form of animal exploitation is better for the environment chances are it’s capitalist propaganda and will turn out to be wrong upon examination. Even if we are thinking purely of saving humanity from the looming catastrophe, stopping animal exploitation is about the best measure we can make.

But this is just a happy coincidence. Even if it was the other way around and killing other animals could save millions, it would be still wrong. The self-interest of humans, however aligned to it, is not the reason why it’s wrong. (In this hypothetical scenario, if we _had_ to choose, then I wouldn’t blame people for choosing self-preservation. But then the task would be to find out ways to get the necessary resources without all the killing. In our reality, that step is already given, all we needed was to figure out B12 production and that's long been solved.)

I don’t argue vegan stuff and I don’t ask for arguments, but leaving that aside, to bring me ecological (or, even worse, nutritional) arguments is to miss the point.

> Stannis: I know the cost! […] If Joffrey should die... what is the life of one bastard boy against a kingdom?
> Davos: Everything.

(A Song of Ice and Fire)

voice dysphoria, mh 

you're forced to face so many of them here and every single time it feels like a gruesome epic battle, and not of the fun kind.

slut-shaming from decades ago, eye contact photo 

(Googles her nickname out of pent-up longing.)
(Unlike what I assumed, it doesn't seem to be derived from the shortening of a given name.)
(All of the hits refer to a telenovela actress who went big then disappeared from the spotlight.)
(Looks up broadcasting year, 1997. A match.)
(Telenovela character was a brothel prostitute.)

Well fuck. Maybe she didn't get to pick her school alias after all. She was a bully, she was a dangerous delinquent, but she was a girl.

(The quotation under the headline is "I will never escape the role.")
(The headline itself is "Twenty years later, telenovela actress is still known as a

quenga.")

Show thread

bullying, school trauma, incipient sexuality, alcohol, memory 

My family moved often, and through many schools I had a large number of bullies, most of them long forgotten, if not the bodily memories of their daily slaps and stomps. I had a large number of physically violent bullies, and a small number of female bullies, but I had only one girl bully who was physically violent. That one, I still remember even her name. Not her birth name, that doesn't matter, doesn't count, her school name, her alias. (Mine at this particular school was "Crane", for my long thin legs—as a nerd I didn't get to pick my name, of course; she did).

I hated her. I despised her petty, pointless cruelty with the haughty moral high ground that only weakness and resentment can fuel. Being a little dork who was a total dupe and couldn't see the scam, I looked down on her disinterest on study matters, on her disruptive attitude in class. I crushed on her, hard, in a way that absolutely was very much sexual. I loathed her punches, I looked forward to the feeling of her skin on me, to her *scent*. Any influence of these experiences in today's me being a sadistic domme I will leave for you to psychoanalise, it seems too obvious but who knows. Do keep in mind that I was a very sexual kid, though, I was horny about a lot of things.

(Oh she was dominant, her presence filled the room whenever she raised her barbed voice. She had an underling, a beautiful snow-white-skinned midnight-black-haired brunette whom she corrupted to the back-of-the-room crew. Underling girl had big round magnificient boobs for her age, and somewhat of a bimbo-ish personality, which earned her scorn, which my hot bully crush would beat down in defense of her protegée. I envied them both so much. I distinctly recall one day underling girl came with a cute bra, full round and white with a Tweety cartoon pattern. Please understand, I'm plural, my memory is very wonky, I remember very little of this period, I don't know what I looked like or wore or what color was the uniform pants or if I had friends, but I remember the white bras with the Tweeties. Brazilian school uniforms use white cotton shirts, low-quality so they get transparent. In my mind I can see clearly what it must have felt for her to pick it that morning, risqué, cute, exhilarating. I can see her in front of the mirror, heart beating, hoping her parents don't notice it, or maybe she had absentee parents, and she must have felt so powerful, so sexy, so free, the very image of glamour and beauty. She was throughly slut-shamed that day, of course, never wore the Tweety bra again. To my credit, I hated how they treated her, refused to join in. To my discredit, I did nothing, didn't say a kind word. I didn't know how to say kind words, wouldn't learn for many years, and they were my bullies.)

One day I actually confessed to my bully. I don't remember what wording I used, only that I said I wanted to make out with her, tried to reason. I was a total dork, had never kissed in my life, had also been permanently horny for years and particularly horny abt this girl, and not just horny but fascinated, my beautiful hot bad girl crush, I was drawn to her like a moth to fire, yes tired cliché but it's just exactly how it felt. At my unusual act of bravery she shed her bully role for a meaningful moment, we were like the sheepdog and the wolf in Looney Tunes clocking out of their daily performance, and she looked at me with, and I swear I could taste this, with actual kindness. She said thank you, you're sweet, but it wouldn't work out between us, it wouldn't be good. Maybe she was right.

The last memory I have of these girls is from when she disappeared from school. Word was she was on sick leave, but there were rumours. She and the underling bff had been hitting the vodka, hard. Ended up in the hospital. Minors drinking themselves into alcoholic coma.

After laying down on the train tracks.

Eventually they came back, and I don't remember if they went back to abusing me or we just outgrew it. Soon we moved again and I was in another school, with a significantly more boring girl bully who was just a prejudiced Christian with no sexual tension between us. There's no resolution to this story, no twist. I think it was the first time I can remember where I had an inkling that bullies were not just these random walking incarnations of cruelty, that there was something else going on, something foul and thick with a darkness that teacher's pet good kid me couldn't imagine. I was afraid of this intuition, of how much it complicated my simple if terrible position in the world. I have no idea what that girl was going through, though low-class Brazilian girl, it's easy to draw hypotheses. I think I only really came to understand bullies when I was a teacher myself, and could see them at a safe position, realise how much bondage even the scariest of them is under as minors in this society.

how to write well! (sarcasm, mocking gender ideology) 

how to write well!

- cut off all unnecessary words
- use fewer words
- fewer
- grunt

- don't use adverbs and adjectives, these are effeminate. use exclusively that manliest hairy bear of word classes: the nouns. er I mean, be men! noun! stoic! strength!
- don't use Latinate nouns, those are pompous foreign sissies.
- basically be a Nazi for words

- don't split infinitives. do you know who never splits infinitives? Latin. splitting infinitives is for uneducated English peasants. who do you want to be, poor people or glorious civilisation men conquerors?
- don't dangle adverbs. because I told you to. this is a very reasonable rule that makes a lot of sense.
- you have to know the rules before you break them.
- why? cos the authorities told you to

- also you can't really break them at all except every 4 years very dramatically like in the last line of a poem or s/t

- yes everybody breaks these arbitrary rules all the time including the most conservative and traditional writers of all time, but if you pretend you follow the rules you get to mock people when they don't, it's called being a writer

- shorten your sentences. shorten. omit. ssshhh
- kill your darlings. if there's a piece of writing you're really proud of and makes you feel good, delete it. delete. it. only keep sentences you have no emotional connection to, this is called editing. are you going to what, __let__ your darlings live? are you gay or something???
- write only things you hate as little as possible, that's called "literature".
- basically all good writing is Ernest Hemingway.
- "hi I'm a corpus linguist and I ran some statistics and Ernest Hemingway actually has above-average ratios of adjectives and long sentences" shut up nerd
- look just do everything Strunk & White ordered, they're the authorities
- "hi I'm a corpus linguist and I ran some statistics and Strunk & White's 'The Elements of Style' itself has above-average ratios of adjectives and long sentences" do what S&W **said**, not what they did

ageism and ableism 

listening to leftie podcast and it just casually remarks that teenagers can't be trusted with decisions cos their brains are not fully-formed. it still shocks me how casually people I trust will mobilise the same pseudoscience rhetoric used by racists and gender reactionaries.

"yeah but studies show that teenagers don't have a developed sense of consequences" you know who else doesn't have a developed sense of consequences? adhd folk. for brain reasons, we're starved for dopamine and can't project time well, we can only really connect to the present moment (some of the diagnostic criteria for adhd include "getting a drug addiction", "having a crime sheet", "attraction to extreme sports" and "traffic fines").

I'm 37, which means I have lived independently for 20 years. I took a lot of risks in these 20 years (and before too, when parents weren't looking, but you know). I was taking significant risks *yesterday*. If you live a whole life attracted to risk-taking sometimes things go wrong, do you know how I feel when I have to deal with the consequences of my behaviour? Ask any teenager, big grin, "worth it". I wouldn't live any other way.

Now, I'm a parent too (I've been a parent for a long time (I took some risks)), so I can tell you the secret, the real reason why parents rationalise coercion: We don't get the rewards, only the downsides. If my kid wants to do boxing I get worried out of my mind about the risk of brain damage, yet I myself enjoy boxing, for the same reasons they do. But when they do it I don't get the experience, I don't get the thrill of finding an opening in someone's guard and fitting in a hook. When they do it I only get the worry. My kid should be throughly informed of the risks and protective measures and alternatives, but if in the end they want to do it, I don't have a right to stop them any more than a worried girlfriend has to coerce what I do, and if you believe I can be free, ask yourself, why do you think that doesn't apply to teenagers?

Unless you're advocating that neurodiv folk like me should be constrained too, for our own good, in which case I'll call some teenagers and riot. Be careful, we have a defective sense of consequences.

work- 

heck this is really a whole bunch of outfits huh.

I'll spend all the time I have _sorting_ for laundry

Show thread

animal abuse 

I guess it's just asking too much that people CW their "food" posts for animal parts >.> this stuff is so normalised, people don't really see tearing off a chunk of somebody's body for pleasure as abuse. they will CW somebody kicking a dog and consider it an awful thing, but will happily talk of eating chicken wings.

you should just assume all "food" posts are things that will make you sad, unless it's specifically marked vegan.

I hate veganism. I hate that veganism is a thing. I wish it was called "self-evident ethical baseline", I wish it was the unnamed common sense, and we had a special name for the practice of killing and hurting for pleasure.

me: I want to _program_ my devices! the ditoo is so cool but it doesn't do what I want, I want to tailor my toys to my needs

Android: you can program me! I have Kotlin and Java on my Android Studio

me: no not like that

Pipewire, yay new audio thingie! There were too many audio thingies in the Linux stack so we needed a new one that covers everyone's use cases. With this brand new addition to that Linux audio graph meme, audio will surely now just work, and I'll be able to listen to music on Linux!!

(need manual masking of pulseaudio user systemd services)
(still stuck with pavucontrol, the only jack-type visualiser didn't work with my gtk)
(needed to dig up obscure error logs and search online to find out which obscure library needed to be installed for bluetooth)
(bluetooth disconnects periodically on my card)
(search online, problem has been around for a long time, no workarounds)

(look up from paper bag and into the camera) I don't know what I expected

the other day I asked the internet whether an anime linux girl sticker would be considered too juvenile or silly by the average German corporate boss.

instead I got a lot of replies from people not in Germany that in their own (not their bosses') opinion a stylised, abstract female body in a retro striped bikini is too sexualised.

I'm still struggling hard not to rant abt how I feel about the notions of female shapes as inherently sexualised, of sexualisation as a bad thing in the first place, of the kinds of social spaces where sexuality is and isn't allowed to be acknowledged and the interests this serves, and of self-policing. because this is the kind of thing I really don't want to argue about. but I'm still bitter.

re: dating, co-living, breakup, prefiguration, gayness 

I don't know how to solve the conflict issue (or the architecture issue, or the landlords issue, or the "if a teen girl runs from her abusive family and we give her a friendly place to crash, I'll be accused of kidnapping and transing her" issue. or, you know, the "world is literally burning" issue). it seems to me that under capitalism there is just too much friction in moving. ideally you would want it to be easy, fluid, convenient to move together, and easy to unmove together. it is particularly hard in Germany, but it's hard in all capitalist societies. the only way I can see out of that is a much deeper prefiguration of property abolition, of ownership under usufruct. whole libraries of stuff that are never yours, always the community's, but you can otherwise hold onto as much as you want (para todos todo, para nosotros nada. will get that tattoo yet.) clothes, why not? computer monitors, why not? heavy stuff stay in the house, whatever house you move into is already fully furnished. we all own nothing, we all own everything, we consume less and take care of things more. we take care of one another. most people are not attracted to ideas like this, though.

anyway easy to dream but irl here am I in my big apartment, alone with my headache, owning as sole proprietess all this cruft I couldn't care less about, the one girlfriend who wanted to move in with me, gone. the one girl I ever been with who was not just tolerant, but downright enthusiastic, about having a house with me with doors wide open, dates and friends coming in and out all the time. all the things that normally people tell me "I understand your enthusiasm but that's not for me."

still. perhaps I'm looking at this whole thing wrong. I'm too lesbian, I want all the U-haul trucks parking here on second date. people have stuff to deal with, have their own life plans to work on. but I spent the last weekend with 2 people I love doing perverted gay stuff like cuddling all night, or walking in the part to see the litle duckieses babbyes. I had my darling catgirl around for a couple days, possum enby is coming tomorrow, then I get the sweetest demiboy you can imagine for a whooping 6 days, then the snep sweetheart for, what, 9 in a row?? and she'll bring a new girl along, too. it's easy to get used to it, but wow, what even is this life. it's easy to forget how magical. sometimes I think of getting back into couchsurfing, then I realise I don't need to.

and the stays overlap a bit, which means they'll get to know one another. which means my apartment is one step closer to public space.

perhaps this is the prefiguration I can handle for now. if I get any of those jobs I can afford even this big apartment alone. probably. and then I make it more and more guest-friendly, and I just invite people to use it for stays of a length comfortable for them, as many people as I can find.

if vaccination does calm down this one crisis at least, I bet there will be a good number of friends wanting to travel to Germany and in need of a safe house to stay.

"Nosotros nacimos de la noche. En ella vivimos. Moriremos en ella. Pero la luz será mañana para los más, para todos aquellos que hoy lloran la noche, para quienes se niega el día, para quienes es regalo la muerte, para quienes está prohibida la vida. Para todos la luz. Para todos todo.""

Show thread

dating, co-living, breakup, prefiguration, gayness 

I knew of course that structuring Anarchist Catgirl Commune in terms purely of romantic relationships would be a mistake. Romantic relationships have Feelings in them, and sometimes when Feelings break people need space. if your goal is to create a safe shelter community for trans people who can't otherwise find shelter or community, that creates one heck of a power differential if they don't want to be around you after a breakup.

I guess this is another reason the breakup hit so hard. I was just thinking of the conflict issue as, dunno, something to solve at some point, like the architecture issue, the "systemic failure of capitalism that was inevitable all along but we are all pretending isn't happening right now" issue. small implementation details.

or maybe I was just overconfident in my ability to be a safe haven. I am, as I often say, Not Young, and also Yes Promiscuous. so I've been through any number of breakups. all of them were difficult, some of them were conflict-heavy.

but I am at friendly speaking terms at least with all my exes, am still an intimate emotional support friend of all my post-transition exes. well not "all" anymore I guess 🤷‍♀️

the thing with the recent breakup is, we were such a perfect match on everything _else_, it's so frustrating. she was the first person I met who felt the same way I did about aiming at a new S.T.A.R. house. we were discussing moving together. we were discussing concrete plans for communal living. it's still hard for me to believe it's all over.

with me disillusioned over a career, disillusioned over Japan, disillusioned over academia, disillusioned over the 9-year-long relationship that didn't work out. it's hard not to feel like, am I just unlivable with. what am I even living for anymore, ok the kids, but the kids won't be kids forever, heck they're teens already somehow. am I only ever tolerable in small doses. I'm almost 40, will I have to submit to the nuclear family model for life. I've hated every single day of the nuclear family model, from a child up to this instant. these cursed little jails of brick and glass, locking us with one another. or even worse, will I have to just be alone. I,, do not do well alone. all high-minded ideals of a S.T.A.R. house aside. if I have nobody to take care of, my levels of dysfunction just explode.

re: I miss my girlfriend so much 

…aaand just like that, a memory. from 15 years ago. 16, give or take. the girl who taught me polyamory, the girl who got me into literature, humanities. the girl I wanted to slowly turn into.

me feeling like this about her. we would send one another CD compilations, retro mixtapes, I think it was already retro back then. she recorded me a CDR with video messages once. I completely forgot about that, the memory just came back unrequested.

a song I had sent her, I had forgotten the song, I had forgotten the whole artist.
youtube.com/watch?v=js-neDhzFy

maybe just because I can't remember a thing, doesn't mean it's gone forever. maybe it will return someday, out of own accord. maybe it is not death in life.

or if it is, then what is dead may never die.

Show thread

oh wow, pretty proud of this. give me validation and tell me I'm fantastic—wait no I don’t need it, I already know.

brb getting a job, a shock absorber, pop filter? does that make it better or worse for asmr?, learning how to produce it properly.

listen with headphones. stereo mic so that the seawitch whisper into your ears :)

files.transmom.love/video/cthu

lol was doing a mic test of whisper and just induced asmr on self

I mean literal asmr, like, the shiver on spine thingie. not even what I want to do when I say I want to do "asmr", I mean it in the fantasy comfort sense. but I'm taking this as a success <3

counseling somebody to break up if their partner keeps not fulfilling their needs. unsure whether they're actually bad for them or it's the black bile in me trying to spread itself.

I mean they have been talking for months of this one core need being ignored no matter what they do, and I'm trying to be very explicit and direct about the fact I'm speaking from an awful place and probably overly pessimistic etc. but still I worry about doing harm rather than good counsel

friendship ended with girl gender

tired hairy legs middle-aged lesbian* enveloped in clouds of smoke** is new best gender

* not actually lesbian
** not actually smoke

our protagonist is secretly high on girlchunks during this scene, hiding it from her minimum age radioactive waste collector job, her panties still secretly sparkling

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